Dear Heaven:
I am writing this letter on behalf of my grandma, Betty Iatarola. She died on Thursday, May 18, 2023, at 11:38 a.m. MST. Thank you for unlocking your pearly gates and letting in the driver of the gray Mercedes Benz (1994 S320 I think). She looked most stylish in that car, especially when she gunned it like a racecar driver on Rancho Vistoso Boulevard and hit 100 mph before there were any speed limits or Oro Valley cops. Last I read, there are no speed limits that mark the roads to you, Heaven.
I would say Betty is on her way right now or has already arrived. However, per the wisdom of Rabbi M.M. Schneerson, who writes of “Heaven” in Bringing Heaven Down to Earth: Meditations on the Wisdom of the Rebbe:
“We don’t say a person ‘will be going to heaven.’ We say this person is ‘a child of the world to come.’ Heaven is not just somewhere you go. It is something you carry with you.”
In this world to come, Betty’s Mercedes had God’s radar detector to help protect her from speed traps. She also prayed every day and went to Mass mostly every Sunday and holidays. As a child of the world to come, she carries the heavenly love of so many people, including her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Within her circle of seven grandchildren — Gabes, Kayleigh, Sofia, Bella, Tori, and Kodi — I was the first to arrive, the first to call her “my Grammie.”
Grammie was 47 when I was born. We spent the first seven years of my childhood one-on-one. I loved the way she mashed my German egg into the bread and made my Cream of Wheat with a dash of sugar for breakfast. She taught me how to measure vanilla for chocolate chip cookie dough and crush the pecans for her famous Tassies. She bought me my first pair of Nike Airs in Tucson, and we finally found the hot pink puffy jacket at Bloomingdale’s before winter ended in Chicago. She made thin steak sandwiches for my school lunches and pulled my hair into tight ponytails so I could see during recess. She sewed holes and fixed my broken zippers. She did everything that amazing Grammies do out of love for each of her grandchildren, including me.
Around age 12, Grammie became my Gram. There is powerful simplicity in this name, a monosyllabic way it denies the reality of aging while upholding the power of matriarchy. “No one calls me grandma,” she warned all Iatarola grandchildren. “It makes me sound old.” No one believed her age anyway, and even several of my friends thought she was my mom. Gram was her own Golden Girl, the star in her own Iatarola Family show. The fan mail she received for birthdays and holidays kept the local post office in business. She hosted amazing dinner parties, subscribed to the print newspaper, and reminded everyone to hold hands and pray before we ate her gourmet meals, especially during the holidays. No doubt, Gram oversaw the kitchen and kept the army of Iatarolas nourished for life’s battles. She was part General, part Matriarch, embracing her roles while exercising matriarchal power in spaces outside of the home.
One space was the tennis court. The tennis court set her free. On the tennis court, she was nobody’s wife, mom, Gram, or dinner hostess. She was Betty, a medaling tennis treasure who made Iatarola sport history. In Arizona, for nearly 30 years, Gram dominated the tennis courts at Sun City Vistoso and the Westward Look. The sport kept her young at heart and physically fit until her twilight years, when Parkinson’s and dementia disabled her. Before the impacts of aging, Gram was so strong and athletic. She medaled in the Arizona Senior Olympics, signaling it was never too late to pick up a sport, excel at it, and destroy the competition, fellow senior citizens and family members included. Even in her mid-70s, she was swift to channel her inner Novak Djokovic on the courts, provided he was not playing live on TV.
In front of the TV, Gram and I sat on the couch and watched many prime-time shows together: Dynasty, Dallas, the Chicago Bulls, and Seinfeld. As we aged, our connection transformed. During my early 20s, this connection was as cosmically complex as an ocean with turbulent, unpredictable waves. I slammed words harshly into the shoreline of her heart; she slung insults that scratched like sand in my eyes. On the rare occasion, we wept together, our tears adding salt to our ocean of wounded love. Despite the wounds, she still always loved me, sending birthday cards every year with handwriting that looped the letters to my name in little waves of ink. I keep them in a shoebox for memory’s sake.
Heaven, you know the ocean’s waves are not always turbulent, and neither was my connection with Gram. We apologized and prayed for each other many times. For every storm, there was a sunny day with calm winds that carried her punctuated laughs across rooms, accentuated by the sweetness of motherhood. Becoming a mom in 2008 to my son Zane — her first great-grandson — helped me understand Gram’s deepest, most resilient, and devout dimension. Over time, the realities of parenting and aging helped repair the frays in our connection. Zane, Arya, and Phoebe — her beautiful great-grandchildren — also imparted Gram with the best of nicknames: BaBa.
One humid August day in the Honeybee kitchen, BaBa mixed apples with sugar and a dash of cinnamon and lemon with her hands. While showing me how to make apple squares, I turned to her and crassly asked:
“How the fuck did you do it?”
“Briana, your language,” she responded. “Do what now? Apple squares?”
“No, how did you raise eight kids? Bake for eight kids? Cook for eight kids, teach them to clean up their shit, and fucking take them all to school, especially if they hated going to school? I’m done. I can barely handle one. I want to sleep until Z turns 18.”
She laughed, cocked her head toward heaven, and used the back of her hand to wipe a small spot of flour from the side of her face. It had settled there after she made the dough for her apple squares. “Well, you know, Briana,” BaBa said, “I went to church and prayed to G*d. I still do. You should, too.”
During that summer trip, G*d appeared one monsoon-drenched night when the electricity went out. A microburst of frenetic rain, lightning, and thunder rattled the Honeybee house. Zane, BaBa, my mom, and I held hands and huddled near the pillar by the front door, praying together. In that moment, four generations of the Iatarola family also hugged each other. This physical sensation reminded us that heaven is a generational embrace of love from the family and friends we hold, carry, and walk with on Earth, no matter how scary the storm becomes.
BaBa: our storms always passed. You, Zane, my mom, and I spent your final years at peace with each other, respectful of time and grateful for the ways we spent it together. We already miss your heavenly hugs so much. The last one we shared was during Presidents’ Day Weekend in February 2023. I knew it would be our last hug on Earth. You did, too. I know you would probably prefer that I quote a passage from Saint Francis of Assisi to conclude my letter to Heaven, but you also know I never really made a good Catholic (except for that one time in Catechism class in Tucson when I drew a Christmas tree for you, and that other time when I stayed awake for you without complaining during midnight Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel in Melrose Park). My Biblical apologies, but I return to Rabbi M.M. Schneerson’s wisdom in the poem, “The Journey Home,” in which he writes:
“Afterlife is a very rational, natural consequence of the order of things. After all, nothing is ever lost – even the body only transforms into earth. But nothing is lost. The person you are is also never lost. It only returns to its source.
If your soul became attached to the material world during its stay here, then it must painfully rip itself away to make the journey back. But if it was only a traveler, connected to its source all along, then its ride home is heavenly.”
BaBa’s final days on Earth were painful for her family and friends to witness. She knew how many people wanted to celebrate her 90th birthday with her here on Earth on July 28. But her savvy, traveling soul had a different itinerary and better destination – a celestial space free from prolonged physical suffering. I am certain the ride home was heavenly. I am also certain the tennis courts above are way better than Wimbledon’s. So, Heaven, now that you are reunited with BaBa’s soul, please make sure she has your best Wilson Hammer series and a few new cans of Prince balls. Her topspin is about to create a new galaxy.
With love,
Brie